In order to fully understand this posting, first check out my previous post entitled “confusion is important” or clicking here.
My family and friends told me that dirty 30 birthday was going to be awesome. However, these people usually have different definitions of what is awesome. My boy “the hawk” believes awesome is going to “punch your tickets” (aka spending a night dancing on the tables at Paradise Trailer Park). Another friend, who shall remain nameless for the sake of not being sent too many hateful emails, believes awesome is “going to bed at 10, weekly runs to Lowes, Target, and yoga, and being responsible with your life now John b/c it’s about time for you to grow up.” Then there’s K Dawg and the Ashwood fees, Christina and Emily. Their idea of awesome is a “hilariously entertaining Facebook invite with all my nicknames for everyone” and a surprise party at the Broadway Brewhouse. K Dawg also came up with a game where he would write questions on cards to get fees to ask me in order to try and embarrass me, but I powered through. Then there’s my cousin Kristin, bless her soul. Cuz flew in from Zurich, Switzerland for the big 3-0 so she gets awesome points.
Andrew and Kelly
Lastly though, my siblings and their better halves, came through big time. If your reread the post earlier, you will know that for Christmas these crazy fees (Andrew and John I’m going to go ahead and assume you didn’t know anything about this), conspired to try and domesticate me.
John, Little Lu Lu, and the queen of my crockpot
Redemption is sweet though b/c for my birthday, they came through with a big ole stamp of approval, and decided to give me more “clutter”, their word, not mine, for my house. I love clutter, especially clutter in the form of a home brew kit. As if I needed another reason to drink more beer, sorry Mom, now I’ve got a few 5 gallon reasons.
So siblings, friends, lovers, and hopefully no haters, here’s to 30 more. Let’s just hope I will be able to join the hawk atop a table at Paradise Park.
Just in time for the world release of “He’s Just not that Into You,” on itunes, the final, and most important of important thoughts are ready to be digested. I must also give props to the summer of weddings to remind me of how observations are important to keep one’s sanity during times of emotional lovey dovey array.
Speaking of lovey dovey, after sitting through an hour and a half of this emotional rollercoaster, a time of feelings processing was needed by all involved. I mean, after an hour and a half of make ups, break ups, heartache, and romantic comedy humor, I really needed to sit at Starbucks on those comfy couches and talk and talk and talk about nothing really. But, there was something more to be learned amidst the lands of romantic comedy clouds. Learning could not be done by merely watching the movie, rather it had to be done during and after the movie amongst the fe whispers and gasps.
Such things were heard as:
“Aww, that was so fun, and had such cute music. Everything was like ‘Do I do that?, Do I do that?”
“I was like, yeah, yeah, I feel like you girl”
“That was pretty much my life. It was just like another example of girls trying to figure out what guys want.”
“It made me feel like I don’t want to get married”
“I was not encouraged, uplifted, nor let down.”
I learned more about the movie by journaling over these thoughts for the past three months than I did the entire movie. I was able to come to the realization that I don’t think like the people in the theater. I didn’t notice the music, think about how the guy felt, or think about marriage. Could I have missed something? Likely. However, I did learn the importance of tongue kissing, hairy legs, and knowing that I just might be the exception.
This is part 2 of my thoughts from the movie I saw 4 months ago “He’s just not that into you.”
In real life, not to be confused with da klub life at 2am after drinking since 6, most first dates do not end with a kiss. Some might, after an exceptionally romantic date of watching a NASCAR race at the Bristol Motor Speedway and then a late night snack consisting of a Frosty or anything on the Taco Bell or Krystal menu, but those are always the exception. The traditional dinner and a movie first date NEVER works. Fees have been there, done that, and have the romantic comedy on DVD. Movies are only good first dates if they are so bad that you either start making out in the theater seat just to give the movie some excitement, or in most cases, bad enough that you can talk for hours about how bad the movie was.
Some movies though, do make you think. For instance, a fe once told me that she always wished a guy would tell her that he couldn’t wait to kiss her again. I thought this line was insane. If I ever thought that, I would never say it because I would want to punch myself in the face for sounding like Matthew McConaughey. That is, until I heard it on “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Evidently, this is a really sweet thing to say. When the fe in the movie said this, I heard a resounding “awwws” which I’m pretty sure means that it’s a good, cute, or adorable line.
This movie was also good at pointing at the exception. The typical crazy, overly dramatic fe always thought her life was going to be the exception, and at the end it was! (More to come on that later). But, this chick actually SAID, not thought, “So what am I supposed to do, run from any guy who doesn’t like me?” Nuffff said. Instead of thinking, she should just tongue kiss.
Tongue kissing is the new hand holding, it’s important. Its what we people do since God gave us this thing in our mouths that helps us talk. Sometimes we just need to shut up. When we shut up, we tongue kiss. Life is so simple.
Fees around the globe are always wondering if that cute guy they met just last night is going to call. I’m pretty sure the thought process goes something like this except in no particular order, OMG, is he going to request me as a friend on Facebook, will he late night text me when he’s drunk, or will he give me a call after watching Grey’s to talk about the show’s drama? Unfortunately, the answer is usually no. The good news in all this mystery is that once again Hollywood has come to their rescue with the new romantic comedy thriller, “He’s Just not that Into You.”
Usually, I try to stray from the typical journal entry that encompasses most blogs, but in this case, I think I’m going to have to tell this story from the vantage point of some pointless, clueless, dude who wound up in a theater filled with 200+ fees and 8 dudes. Of these eight dudes, two of them came TOGETHER and sat next to each other, and then the other dudes who were probably dragged there with the promise, or at least the self imposed hope, that he would hook later in the evening if he stayed awake for the next hour and a half.
Brandy from Joe Dirt
To be completely honest, I was expecting a little more from the movie. I was thinking of something a little more down to life. If I was really lucky, something in between the love story of Joe Dirt and Braveheart. Maybe a few more kilts or mullets would have help me understand a little more what was going on. But, then again, I haven’t seen a bunch of movies with romance as a major theme.
Also, I’ve got a feeling that this is going to be a long one, so this will have to be broken up into segments posted over the next several weeks. Topics based on the movie will include: knowing you’re the exception is important, ribs and ice cream are important, tongue kisses are important, hairy legs are important, and what’s said after the movie is more important than the actual movie.
Until then, continued success and failure in discovering if he’s just not that into you.
I know most of you do what I do and look for future lovers on either Facebook by going through your secret lover’s albums (don’t say you haven’t), or through some other form of predatory stalking like this-is-soooooo-2years-ago-MySpace, christiansingles.com, or that church event where all the single people go to act like they are worshipping on a weeknight, but are actually just looking around for a new, attractive face. I, on the other-hand, have sunk to a new high, Craig’s List. I was turned on to Craig’s List by one of my friends (since she would be embarrassed I’ll just call her Maula), who found a funny posting on the relationship section one day and sent it to me, only to then be ridiculed by me for pointing out that she had to be in the relationship section of Craig’s List in the first place to find such a quote.
All that to say, I know I’m pathetic and am really just in love with Whitney from the Hills or the City now, but I wanted to post this latest Craig’s List disaster dating story that I came across in my Gmail inbox ………
To the woman that crapped in my car… (NE Portland) We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive. I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat… What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. I await your call, Tad P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…
All this to say, I seriously doubt this is real (the only reason I don’t totally rule it out is b/c: 1. it happened on the west coast and those people are weird and 2. I could possibly do something like this in the future, or possibly have in the past – shhhhhhhh Nolly (names were changed to protect the innocent).
Ah, the new year. What a great time. The season of mistletoe, Christmas trees, and over zealous domesticating fees has blossomed into the season of resolutions, ball dropping smooches, and new year’s resolutions. I’m sure everyone has spent the past year not abiding by last year’s resolutions, instead opting for the more convenient routines of the years past, or maybe that’s just me. My new year’s resolution for last year was to make a resolution this year. My resolution this year is be more organized. We’ll see how that one goes.
New years in our house was time for visitors. Whether it be friends from out of town, or friends from down the street, or friends from the backyard much fun was had by all. My new years eve was great and over at 4am after visiting with my good friend, the hawk, and listening to his favorite artist, Kid Rock dude. For breakfast, our Hill’s connoisseur fees came over to watch our good friend Whitney move to New York to start her new job at Teen Vogue. We had some Kdawg cake and some Em Casserole all on my new, cute plates. Delicious. The day ended with the hawk once again coming over b/c he ran into someone on a one-way street dude and his sitter, Lindsey, had to have a break. If you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting “the hawk” I’ve included a picture from Halloween where he was dressed as the Hamburgler.
My last visitor was from the backyard. Somehow or way, a mouse, rat, or other large rodent now lives in our kitchen. The phantom creature enjoys bananas, bread, and the occasional floorboard. Below you can see the remains of he or she’s latenight snack. SICK.
Lastly, get pumped up about my next two posts which will hopefully be coming soon (I’m sorry about my slacking off. I made the mistake of thinking I could teach again, thus spending my spare time writing lesson plans for young minds at the Art Institute of TN instead of doing my first love, thinking about what is important in life). In these much anticipated blogs, I will be giving advice about how writing diagrams on napkins is important in dating relationships and how to know “if he’s just not that into you” is equally important in chivalry.
Yesterday was Christmas at the Housholder household. All my brother and sister’s families were in Memphrica at my parent’s house. Aren’t we a cute family? Omg.
There are two individuals that I’m calling out in this picture. One is my brother’s wife, Kelly and the other is my niece, McKalya’s mother, Little Lu Lu. These two fees conspired to make this a very confusing Christmas for me. In fact, I’m still really unsure about what actually happened. Let me explain.
First, they, with assistance from my cousin Kristin, got my Aunt to give me a Target (which I despise, but have learned to tolerate b/c WalMart is just too far away) gift card. Yep, money for Kelly to take me to Target to get upgrades for my “frat” bedroom as they call it. Evidently, dirty clothes on the floor or in a basket are not cool and tough anymore and the new thing is to put it in some kind of bamboo basket that matches some box that is also made of bamboo that goes at the end of the bed. Who knew?
I was able to get over this tragedy b/c usually my Aunt gives me a shirt that I’m told I should not wear in public. The conspiracy runs deeper though. I overheard Little Lu Lu and Kelly talking about their present and how I would like it so I figured it had to be something good (aka – something that you drink beer out of, make beer with, or something with beer on it). When I opened the first box, it didn’t contain beer, but plates from World Market. I was told that they are really cool plates. I then informed them that we in fact have plates from Kellan’s grandmother’s house at my house and they said that Grandma plates are unacceptable. What is unacceptable about them? They hold food so they do their job? Who knows? Fees.
The second box was a little heavier. Keg dispenser? Nope. Bowls. WTF? Bowls for Christmas? Kelly did tell me thought that they matched my plates and were MAN bowls so I can put lots of raisin bran or granola in them. Thanks fees.
I also made the mistake of telling my mother (my arch nemesis in my cool and tough Christmas present campaigns since she has been getting me CLOTHES for Christmas since I was born) that I had started cooking. So, what did I get from her? Sharp knives? Steak sauces? More clothes to wear at tacky Christmas sweater parties? Nope. A STEAMER to make vegetables in. WTF!
I’m confused. What has happened to the days of beer mugs, cash, and Nintendo sports games? What has happened to me? Maybe I should rename this post, “Domestication is important?”
Back in the day when I was a lot cooler and tougher than I am now, I used to climb mountains. When I was in Austria, I even took some kinder (kids) out to the mountains of Austria to do a little mountain climbing (see pictures below). Watch the video to see how much more hardcore I am than a high school junior from Mongolia. Let’s just say the Khans no longer rule the world.
Anyway, mountain top experiences mean something a little different to me now that I’m a city dweller and spend 40+ hours a week working in a large concrete building and talking on the phone. I’ve now turned my attention to a new type of mountain, trash.
Not taking out your trash is important.
One can tell a lot about a person’s trash. By not taking out our trash, the Kdawg and I are able to look back at our life, journal, and have living memories of the past couple of weeks. Look at all the new, organic stuff we got at Trader Joes! We are so natural and hip. Or, the diet coke, we are so healthy! Or the bottom left-hand corner, where you can see the outskirts of our beer pile, we are so cool and tough.
Oh, the memories, both good and bad, are staring at us for weeks at a time each time we go back into the kitchen for a late night snack or a delicious cold beer.
Maybe taking out the trash is not as important as one might think?
Have you ever gone out to a local watering hole and wanted some hott fee’s phone number and were too drunk or too much of a guy to remember to ask? I know I have. However, since I just got a new iPhone, my frustrations have now been put to rest. Now, with the touch of a couple of buttons, I can get fee email addresses. Fees love emails. Last week, over the course of probably 3 hours on one of my email chains, my three fe neighbors conversed over probably 20 crazy emails filled with OMG, LOL, ROTFL, and tons of winky and making out smileys. Once again, fees love emails.
Fees, sometimes dudes like emails, although not as much as fees. One thing dudes like to do with emails is write them at 3am. Now, since I’ve got all these great email addresses from the watering hole fees, I can write them at 3am. No more texting, just emailing. Fortunately for me, Gmail now has a new feature to help me with my 3am emails. They appropriately call it “mail goggles.”
According to Gmail’s mail goggle’s description, “Google strives to make the world’s information useful. Mail you send late night on the weekends may be useful but you may regret it the next morning. Solve some simple math problems and you’re good to go. Otherwise, get a good night’s sleep and try again in the morning. After enabling this feature, you can adjust the schedule in the “General” settings page.”
Thank you Google. You are making the world a safer place.
In preparation for the big Halloween festivities, the K Dawg daddy went out to some “We’re getting married” get together or something and carved a pumpkin for our front porch in hoping of attracting some really hot fees who would find our home more homey and domesticated. Unfortunately, the pumpkin ended up looking like this after being rained on, thus he thought his plan was thwarted.
Pumpkin oooozin on our porch
However, KDawg would not let this small setback get in his way of attracting some fees. According to my sister, a fe, fees like guys who can cook them stuff. So, the Kdawg Daddy and myself decided we would cook the pumpkin in the front yard in hopes of attracting some neighborhood fees. Check out what the pumpkin looked like before we cooked it, yummmmm me.
In our front yard, a fire was built on our walkway and the pumpkin was burned, oh say it like Ursher would “Let it burn. Let it burn. Gotta let it burn.”
Good thing God invented fire b/c fire is important.
I know most of you do what I do and look for future lovers on either Facebook by going through your secret lover’s albums (don’t say you haven’t), or through some other form of predatory stalking like this-is-soooooo-2years-ago-MySpace, christiansingles.com, or that church event where all the single people go to act like they are worshipping on a weeknight, but are actually just looking around for a new, attractive face. I, on the other-hand, have sunk to a new high, Craig’s List. I was turned on to Craig’s List by one of my friends (since she would be embarrassed I’ll just call her Maula), who found a funny posting on the relationship section one day and sent it to me, only to then be ridiculed by me for pointing out that she had to be in the relationship section of Craig’s List in the first place to find such a quote.
One can tell a lot about a person’s trash. By not taking out our trash, the Kdawg and I are able to look back at our life, journal, and have living memories of the past couple of weeks. Look at all the new, organic stuff we got at Trader Joes! We are so natural and hip. Or, the diet coke, we are so healthy! Or the bottom left-hand corner, where you can see the outskirts of our beer pile, we are so cool and tough.
